I’ve always had a soft heart. I try so hard to be tough and put on a front of strength, but when it comes down to it, I’m mush. It’s something that I equally like and dislike about myself. Just as we’re all toughest on ourselves, I hate to feel “weak”. And my apparent weakness in my own mind probably isn’t even seen as a weakness by others.
I’ve had so many instances in my young life where all I wanted to do was stand up for myself, but at those times, I didn’t have the courage or strength. Now as an adult, I try to make up for that in a way, I guess. I don’t want to show or share my struggle or pain. But as much as I try to make my outer shell hard, my softness always shows through. I’m definitely one of those people who cannot camouflage their feelings. You can tell what I’m thinking just by looking at my face. It makes me a terrible liar! But I sort of like that about myself.
My soft heart is always quick to forgive, probably more than I should. That’s where the balance of liking and disliking that part of myself comes into play. Even after all that he’s put me through, I still feel an overwhelming capacity and desire to forgive. Should I see this as a weakness? It certainly feels like a weakness right now. Is there a fine line between forgiveness and foolishness? Will being quick to forgive make this pain go away? Will it help me avoid the bitterness that I feel creeping in?
I’ve spoken a few times about trying to remain hopeful in this difficult journey. Part of my drive in continuing this blog is to ultimately create an opportunity to connect with others and find strength and support in one another. I want this experience to create growth in myself, but I don’t want it to change me. I don’t want to let this experience cause me to lose myself and become a bitter person. Although that feels difficult to do most days, I’m going to cling on to those few happy moments that remind me of my true heart and hope that those times will multiply while the bitter days fade. I want my heart to stay soft and trust that my journey will allow for growth in all the right ways.