It’s such a strange and new feeling to have my emotions be completely out of my own control. And I’m the type of girl that likes to be in control. I get to decide what people see and know about me. I maintain a steady presence and keep those walls up. Lately though, I feel as though I teeter between having days where I feel nothing to days where I feel everything.
I think that the days where I feel nothing are my preference at the moment. It’s nice to not break down into tears randomly or have my mind venture down dark roads. It’s nice to feel nothing at all rather than be left with the emptiness and loneliness that overwhelms me on those other days – the days where I feel everything.
The rational side of me knows that time will heal all wounds. This won’t last forever and maybe, just maybe, my life will be better because of this difficult time. The emotional side gets the better of me most days, where the pain feels endless and hope is lost. My thoughts are consumed with the life that I’ll miss out on and the one that I’ll never have now.
So what wins in the end – the rational side or the emotional? When will enough time pass to allow some of the pain to ease? When will I get to see a glimpse of hope or a light at the end of the tunnel? How do I not let this get the best of me? When will I ever get back to being “me”?