One Step Forward, Two Steps Back…

I was doing so well. I was feeling good. I was adjusting to the new version of my life. I was doing so well! But over the last week, I’ve felt myself sliding back.

I think that some of that comes from the fact that word is starting to spread. More and more people are starting to hear that we’re no longer together. And with that comes the questions, the rumors and the uninvited propositions from so-called friends (guys) thinking that I’m “back on the market” and they’re going to shoot their shot. 

I’m also starting to tell more people in casual conversation, like the ladies at work who are “work friends”, but not people who I usually share my deep, dark secrets with. With each new person and saying those words “he left me…”, the pain comes back. The tears do, too. It seems like I’ve cried more in the last three days than the last 3 weeks!

The other part of my backslide comes from a half-hearted attempt to actually get “back out there” and contemplate the idea of possibly meeting someone new. Let me tell you, it’s not great. The market is seriously lacking and seems to be filled with playboys or guys who are clearly only looking for one thing – and I’m not that type of girl. Instead of being something to feel excited about – that potential of meeting a new love – I feel more sadness as a result. It’s just another reminder that the future that I thought I had and the person who I thought was going to be my Forever, no longer is. Maybe there’s a version of my future that is an improvement over the one that I knew, but isn’t it just as likely that my potential future will be worse? 

So again, I’m back to the same struggle that I’ve had since the very beginning – how do I stay hopeful? How do I keep the dark away? When will these feelings move along and be replaced with happiness? I’m trying, really trying, to be positive, upbeat and manifest that happiness, but sometimes life gets the better of me. I just need to keep in mind that all of this has a purpose. It’s leading me somewhere. Somewhere that I’m supposed to be. In the end, I’ll look back and know that all of this pain and change happened for a reason. And who knows, I might even be grateful for it. 

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